


A Marriage of Convenience

by thegreatandpowerfultoaster



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Bad Ending, Choose Your Own Ending, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I know, Not Canon Compliant, Ulysses and the courier have a pre cannon 'past' cough cough, aurelius is a cannibal, basically a lot of crack, he doesnt call anyone a worm, is would never happen in canon, lanius is sweet, otho is a great cook, silus is nice, the courier had bennys kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-07 23:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7733281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatandpowerfultoaster/pseuds/thegreatandpowerfultoaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the courier helps the Legion win the second battle of Hoover Dam, she is rewarded with not fame or fortune, but a choice of mate. Who will she choose within the legions ranks?</p>
<p>WARNING: This is a crack fic. I don't know what I'm writing or why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Offer is Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why are you here
> 
> Why

The battle itself had been a whir. But they had won. Runa honestly didn't remember a lot, aside from standing at Lanius' side, facing the NCR's General, Lee Oliver. There were parts that stood out, days later as the ringing in her ears finally stopped and the shock wore off.

None the less, they had won, and better yet, had very few casualties.

When Arcade has stiched up the wound in her side she had mouthed a very pitiful, "I'm sorry." She never expected a reply, nor did she get one.

"I deserve no forgiveness." She laughed dryly to herself.

Once upon a time the two had been good friends, so why had she sold him into leigon slavery? It was all just fuzz, unimportant details in the back of her head, now.

On the third days dusk after the battle, Caesar called her in for a private audience.

"Ave, Runa!" He said joyfully, smiling. Runa almost feared for her life.

Instead, she smiled in return. "Ave, Lord Caesar, how are the preparations to take Vegas going?"

"Fucking well, all things considered. It has come to my attention you have not yet been rewarded for your service."

"Thank you for your consideration, my Lord, but really I don't need-" 

She stopped her by raising up a hand. "Quiet, girl, be grateful. It is your reward that you shall have one of my leigonares of your choosing to wed."

That was certainly an...interesting offer to make. But Runa wasn't about to refute it. "Thank you, milord, but I would like some time to decide"

"Of course. Be on your way, although I expect a desision in a week." 

"Yes, of course, lord Caesar. Vale."

Now, little did the two know, the tent walls were hardly soundproof, and a little fox was going to report to the other legionaries.

"Lanius, Otho, quit bickering and get into the tent." The three shoved themselves into a small tent that already held Lucius, Aurelius, a returned Ulysses, Luciullus, and Silus.

Well, what did he tell her?" They all buzzed, waiting for some news of treachery or something equally as awful.

Vulpes stared them all down, then resumed. " Its much worse than we thought." A few people bit their lips.

"Well?" Impatient Ulysses said after a brief moment of silence. 

"Caeser has given her permission to choose one of us to wed."

There was a unanimous sigh of relief from everyone but Otho."That's all?" Said Aurelius. "We all like her, you stupid furry."

"I DON'T!" Otho screeched. "I WANT STELLA!" 

"She can only choose one." Lanius reminded everyone, patting Otho on the back.

There was more grumbling before Aurelius said, "How come I'm least likely to get picked! This isn't fair at all!" 

"You're a cannibal." Silus pointed out blatantly.

Silently, they decided they would all just have to impress Courier Six.


	2. Day One

Otho got up promptly at sunrise. He was, despite his earlier issues,ready to make a good impression. And, oddly enough, the arena master lived to cook.

He made top notch roast brahmin, the absolute most tender radroach BBQ, true to Caesar salad, and something the legionnaires fondly called Otho Casserole.

That is what he decided to make Runa. The glorious almost cobbler like dessert, filled with cactus fruit and a sweet bread, and of his very own creation.

So he enlisted Antony, the Houndsmaster, and set to work.

Of course along with Antony came Lupa, his favorite dog, and Akoni, one of her many sons. Otho didn't mind.’Not as if they could do much damage anyways,’ He thought. Of course Lupa probably wouldn't, but Akoni was still very much a puppy…

 

Otho thought no more of it and set to work. “I need flower, sugar, cactus fruit from the storage room. Everything else we have.” Antony saluted solemnly and headed for the legion storehouse. Lupa and Akoni followed at his heels and Otho set off on his doors related endeavors.

He was certain she would love his cooking more than anything! Right? Right.

…

It took one and a half hour from start to finish, with Antony’s help. He let Lupa lick the spoon, for being good, and he swatted Akoni with the same spoon for trying to eat the cake batter.

Finally, finally, after so long of slaving over a hot pan, and keeping Antony from feeding his dogs the entirety of his food, it was ready.

Except...It wasn't ready. it was burnt to a crisp.

“Eww.” Said the houndsmaster. “It looks like the burned man.”

Oddly enough, it did bear an absolutely striking resemblance to the former legate. “She can't eat this!” Otho exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“What will we do with it, then?”

“I have a good idea, actually.” Otho pulled the dogs off the cake, and picked it up cautiously.

Ten minutes later, the Joshua Graham memorial was finished. It was three tiered with the cake at the top, and a paper in a frame that read, “Joshua Graham, the Burned Man, loving legate and legionnaire, he will be missed.”

The second tier was a picture of Graham in his Salt Lake City Police department vest, a picture of everyone just before the first battle of Hoover Dam, and a bowl of flowers.

The third and final tier held his helmet, a .45 and a drawing Vulpes had drawn him when he was little.

“There.”

“Now what?” Said Antony.

Otho sighed, starting towards the kitchen once again.

After another hour and seven minutes, and a lot of being burned on the pans, it was ready. It was perfection

“That smells really good, Otho. Are you sure I can't have any?” He said, inching towards the masterpiece.

“NO! Its for the courier, so keep your grubby hands off!”

Antony petted Lupa as he replied, “So what makes you think she’ll marry you just because you made her breakfast? I heard Alerio wrote her a love poem.”

Otho snorted in reply. “I highly doubt it. He isn't very bright.”

“Well that's just what I heard. Besides, I thought you liked Stella.”

It was at this point that Otho tackled Antony to the ground. “Shush! Even if I do, she's an NCR dog, and if I marry Runa, she can tell Caesar to let her go!”

“Why would she? If she chooses you it either means she wants something from you, or she decides she actually loves you and therefore, she wouldn't want to set Stella free,and Caesar wouldn't, even if-”

“I don't have time to debate this! Nor do I want to!” Otho yelled, picking up the cake and storming off. Akoni was outside the tent flap begging for food.

“No!” Was his definite reply when the dog whined. It became a chase Otho doing the running and yelling obscenities. Eventually though, the Arena Master faltered.

It was painfully slow, watching the cake fall to the dusty ground, listening to that painful plop as it hit the ground.

Nobody knows how long Otho looked at that puddle of baked goods, close to tears.

“Are you okay?” A soft feminine voice said. There was only a whimper in reply. “ Hey,” said Runa, sitting on the ground next to him. “What happened?”

Otho frowned, “It was for you!”

“I'll help you make another one, okay?” He nodded weakly and she smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing.


	3. Day Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Short chapter, mentions of consuming human flesh, cannibalism in general, and "Brahmin" sandwichs.
> 
> You have been warned

“I'm sure it will be great, Aurelius but-” Six was silenced as he pulled her down the road leading away from Cottonwood Cove.  


It was nearly noon when they finally reached the shore of Lake Mead. “Isn't it lovely?” He asked her.  


Runa smiled, but only just so. A worry bubbled deep inside her. “”Yes, it is.”  


He continued to pull her along to a perfect place on the shoreline, not too close to the water, and the sun made the sand glitter brilliantly. Well he was sure it used to glitter brilliantly. Pre-war, before atomic dust and ashes had made it turn a dull grey.  


What exactly was Aurelius doing, or rather attempting to do? A romantic lunch on the beach, and with luck, they'd make it back in time for Aurelius to….  


Eat…..not human flesh.  


He spread out the tattered old red and white quilt and opened the picnic basket he prepared.  


“Brahmin?” She asked a bit suspiciously.  


“Brahmin.” He nodded firmly, taking out a sandwich and passing it to her. For a whole of ten minutes, he watched her not take a bite of his artisan masterpiece. “Is something wrong?”  


"Well…” She began awkwardly, and continued far too loudly. “Are you a cannibal?”  


“No.” He replied quite simply. “I am not.”  


"“Why do people say that, then?”  


He sighed. “Its a very long story. Besides, if I were a cannibal, I wouldn't eat you.”  


Her eyes widened, the color reminded Aurelius of the ashy beach. “So you're saying you are one?”  


There was no reply, to he started on his sandwich once more.  


“I wonder how people taste.” She wondered idily after a while of silence.  


He shrugged, “It wavers from person to person.”  


“I knew it!” She screeched, dropping her food and running. “I knew it!”


	4. Day Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just love seeing them act almost like normal human beings? I sure do.

Lucius felt old when he looked at them. I mean, it was probably safe to say he was old, but he was still leader of the Praetorians, and heck if they were going to let them take that from him, and they weren't gonna take his chance at the courier, either.

So he called at her room in the Atomic Wrangler, with a bouquet of flowers (fake ones, since they looked semi-okay still) and some chocolate. (Really old and irradiated chocolates.)

Lucius used Siri greatly as a resource, who had mainly gotten ideas from books she had read while still in her own tribe, as she'd never really been in a relationship herself, (save for that one really awesome fling with Lanius.)

But if its the thought that counts, Lucius was doing fairly well.

Six answered the door in pajamas, and Lucius blushed the slightest bit.

“Fisto, I said- oh.”  
“Hello.”  
She looked quite tired, and rubbed her eyes a few times before replying. “Lucius. Can I help you?” 

‘Okay, Lucius,’ he told himself. ‘Nows your chance. Just hand her what you brought her and say something smooth.’

He ended up just making a squeak and dropping her things and leaving in a hurry.

A couple hours later, back at the fort, six approached him. “Err...thank you for the chocolates… And the flowers.” She smiled nervously. “They were very nice, Lucius.”

He smiled a little too, and almost regained his confidence. “Would you like to take a walk, perhaps? I know a lovely spot near Cottonwood Cove.”

Cue the soul-crushing courier. “Ohhh…...sorry. I just don't have time, today. Caesar has me working pretty hard, you know how it is!”

The courier was not as convincing as she thought she was.

So, discreetly as a Frumentarii, he followed her. She went directly to the arena. As if Otho would let her fight. He had said it himself, he had no interest in the Profligate Queen.

But did she have an interest in him? This was the thought worrying him the most.

Otho seemed to be acting fairly awkward, and kept tripping over nothing and getting red and splochy each time the courier tried to speak with him. 

‘That's no way to handle things!’ He grumbled, because obviously he knew just how to handle things. So he went up to six to try to get her attention.  
“Courier?”

“Er..just a minute, Lucius I'm a bit busy.”

“Courier?”

“Can it wait just a second?”

“Courier?”

“I'm talking to Otho right now, give it a rest, please.”

“RUNA!”

“LUCIUS!”

And so their enlighting heart-to-heart talk went. Until dinner.

He knew there was just one vacant seat next to her, being that she would be at Caesar's left side. However, despite the Praetorian’s deathglares and threats handed out on napkins, he still lost his chance.

Of course, fearless Ulysses sat by the courier without so much as an apology. So when asked to pass him a roll, he carved die on it before handing it to the wayward leigon courier. Of course, he paid no mind and continued to chat.

“Thank you, Lord Caesar, I believe I will retire to my tent now.”

And just like that it was done. Lucias banged his head furiously on the table. Everyone stared at him oddly. He sighed, gave up, and was not seen by anyone but Siri for the next day and a half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the story, legionaries don't know how to treat women.


	5. Day Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up my own canon so screw normal canon.  
> Jk its pretty close but canon on its own is vague. Also based on the fact Ulysses cannot seem to shut his face for more than a second.  
> My little sis thought he had a stalker crush on six, but I guess he just wanted an excuse to blow stuff up.
> 
> Thank you so much to those who have commented or left kudos!

Ulysses sat himself down, pulled out a worn paper, and tried to write down exactly how he felt toward the courier, and finding the right words to say was rather difficult.

The Divide had changed her so much, as had the Mojave. She was certainly not what she had been before....well, before she was six.

Have you ever met someone who loved their poetry so much, but in reality its just a smoking mess of half developed fluffy ideas, and some really AWFUL metaphors? That was about on his skill level when he tried to write about her, and his feelings for said courier.

Not to mention that by early sunset, it was approximately 476.9 pages long.

Most of it was completely relevant, but there WAS a total of 68 pages devoted to his hatred of the NCR. He decided that was a good start, and went to find the courier.

He found her in her tent, her tiny infant curled up to her chest, reading a book. "Oh!" She said in a loud whisper. "Ulysses! I'm sorry I wasn't expecting anyone, or I would've-."

"No trouble at all. What is that?" He said in that wonderfully gruff voice she had come to love.

The courier looked down at where he was pointing. "My baby?" She replied a bit cautiously.

He sighed. "I meant the book. I have heard plenty of Michael." 

It was nose that it struck him. The courier had a child. An infant. Her spouse would be the child's father. He began to think about this. Six's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Are you alright, Ulysses? Hello?"

"I'm fine." He replied in that lovely and gruff voice. "Would you like to go for a walk perhaps? I he something I'd like to speak with you about."

She nodded. Gentlely, and rather timidly he held out his hand, which she accepted, still holding the infant in her free arm. He led her outside the walls of the fort, to a place overlooking the river. It was then her handed her the large..peice he had written earlier.

"What's this?" She asked giving it a hesitant glance. 

"Just...my thoughts, as well as a bit of history."

"Speaking of history, may I ask you something?"

He smiled, an unnatural thing for him to do. "Go ahead. What would you like to know?"

Her gaze grew wistful. "Everything!" She said excitedly. "Tell me everything!"

So he did, starting at the beginning. They were both of the Twisted Hairs tribe, before the leigon had conquered it. They had grown up very close, until she was captured, taken as a slave, (this he learned from Vulpes Inculta, long after,) her owner, (a frumentarii) had died and she began to accept work for the Mojave Express.

"I knew it was you on the Mojave express ledger. I knew you were bound to die, taking that job as courier six. But I was a coward, and I froze. I am sorry." 

They both were silent for what felt like eons. Finally six restedn a hand on his shoulder blade. "I have a name other than courier, you know." 

She smiled. "Runa." 


	6. Day Five

"Having fun?" The Frumentarii chucked, watching the courier spar a training dummy.

"Yes, actually. Need anything, Vulpes?"

"Simply your undivided attention and a strong bottle of alcohol."

Runa smiled. "That makes me a little nervous."

"You probably should be." He smiled that way that made shivers run down her spine."How does the Ultra Luxe sound?"

Six looked up at the setting sun. "Dinner?" She asked and Vulpes nodded. "Sounds good, let me get my coat."

Please take it into mind she did not actually need a coat, they live in the Mojave Desert, so it would be stupid to wear a coat in the first place. I mean duh, she meant a change out of legion uniform.

Runa almost missed the coyote hat. Almost. He did look dashing in the brown suit and trilby hat, she atmitted. It was just.....like he was a different person altogether.

But she liked it, in a different way.

It was odd, because just for a moment, they were just two normal people, walking down the New Vegas strip, going to the newly non cannibal Gourmand, for a non cannibalistic dinner.

And thank heavens for that fact! No human eating on this date, because Runa was still a little bit suspicious about Aurelius's sandwiches.

"Brahmin." Runa snorted to herself. "As if."

Once seated at a table in the restaurant, she started a casual conversation. "Caesar said he would like to reward me, for Hoover Dam, by-"

"I know." Inculta interrupted. "You should choose me."

"How does everyone know?!"

There was a chuckle. "A fox told them, and they decided to act."

"Vulpes!" She exclaimed. "I've been worried for my life, all week! Silus was nice to me Vulpes, he was nice!"

"That IS rather terrifying."

"But that didn't help me decide!" Tears had begun to well in her eyes. "It didn't help me at all, and I have to choose tomorrow, and I have to make a choice that's right for my son!"

Vulpes closed his eyes. "Not for you as well? Just for him?"

"He's my son, Vulpes. I've made some bad mistakes in life but I don't want him to have to deal with the things I've had to. I have to do what's right for him." She looked him in the eyes, letting him known she was serious.

"Anyone you choose will love him as a son." He said. "Even Silus." 

Six looked sceptical "I don't think-"

"Runa. If he loved you enough to agree, he could learn to love Michael."

°°°

It was a very rough night for everyone, especially the courier. At least until she got up and wandered into The medical tent.

"Runa?" Arcade squinted, sitting halfway up from his burlap mat on the ground. "What the heck?" 

"Sorry. I just couldn't sleep." The courier told the doctor. "I know you probably don't wanna talk. And I know I really don't deserve it, but I need some serious help."

Despite being unimaginably angry at her, he couldn't resist solving problems. "What sort of help? Medical help? Political help? Avoiding personal confrontation help?"

"Love help."

He laid back down. "Why'd you come to me, then." He said gruffly.

Her shoulders slumped and she groaned. "Its like, political, avoiding personal confrontation medical love help."

"Really?" Six nodded. Arcade didn't move, but sighed."Fine. Lay it on me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAD two other chapters after this, but they really didn't fit with the overall tone of the story so I cut them.


	7. Epilogue

"So then he's all like, 'look, its the burned man' and I wasn't sure what exactly to say so I just nodded..."

"No, wait! Stop. He tried to feed you human? And then he made a cake for dessert?"

"No! The cake part was Otho, get it right."

Arcade shoot his head in distaste. "Well maybe if it wasn't like, two in the morning I'd be a little more....awake."

Runa sighed loudly, then said. "They're all fairly attractive, but I refuse to marry a cannibal."

"How do you know they aren't all cannibals?"

She have him a death glare.

"Yeah, your right that's stupid. I don't know what I can help with, just close your eyes and point at someone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't make me choose >.> Yep. For now, at least this is it. I'd love to writ more, I'm just out of ideas.


End file.
